Separation Angst

My work is fairly stable and predictable as one might expect when it comes to patient care. Peter’s work, though also stable, has significantly more spontaneity as troubleshooting systems is an integral part of his job. His day to day schedule is fairly fixed and can be done virtually for the majority of the time. However, he is summoned to troubleshoot in person on occasion. Additionally, the both of us have respective professional conferences to attend as well.

Between conferences and going in person to work in Fresno, Peter can be MIA for weeks at a time. Following our return from Japan in February 2026, Peter went immediately to Fresno and then to Texas to visit family. After being gone for half of March, he jet-setted to Madison, WI to hang out with IT nerds for a week long conference. It feels like I’ve barely seen him in the last two months. And amidst the whole moving process, it has also been very stressful.

His absences are hard in a lot of ways. Nevermind the situational stress of relocating, but the disruption in routine, deconditioning, and loneliness can be a difficult cycle to overcome. Because of how regimented he is, I often find myself falling into my previous pattern of organized chaos. That is, I still do much of the same things, but on a much messier timeline and with more relaxed rail guards.

When he is gone for weeks at a time, these loosened boundaries often result in more spontaneous events (most commonly hanging out with friends, personal hobbies, etc). By the week’s end, however, I gratefully fold Peter back into my embrace with the much needed structure. Chaos gone unchecked can only be managed for so long before it becomes internally redirected freneticism.

Peter similarly loses a lot of the same structure when he goes on these trips. He gets particularly flustered at the lack of control over diet, forced socializations with colleagues, and strict scheduling of work meetings/events. He also ends up sleeping much later than anticipated. Because we enjoy catching up in the evening after being apart for so long, this naturally eats into bedtime, which snowballs into skipping our usual morning workouts. We then are forced to get all our physical activity into the afternoons. Needless to say, there is much disruption to how we optimally and ideally manage our lives when together.

Fortunately, his Fresno trips are at most once per month. We sometimes would plan for me to come up for an extended NorCal weekend out of it to visit friends or explore new territories. Some of our favorite memories have come from these shorter getaways. Best of all is that they require minimal time off from work to plan.

Of course, it’s not always feasible for me to head up to NorCal to meet Peter during his work trips, nor is it possible for us to go out of state to attend each other’s conferences. In the instances that he attends these work obligations alone, I always encourage him to go out and enjoy his time there despite the many annoyances to his routine.

On his most recent trip to Madison, WI, he was encumbered by long flights, layovers, and delays. There is not much out there aside from housing the headquarters of the largest electronic medical record system, Epic. Upon landing on his first evening in this quiet midwest city, he struggled to find any open eateries after a long day of travel. He eventually settled for a little Japanese joint open late and teeming with college students. Throughout the week, food options would be limited as his conference dictated most of the menu during the day. And in the evening, his coworkers would schmooze him up into joining them for carb-loaded dinners. Few things frustrate Peter more than getting less than 150g of protein per day.

On top of all this, his conference days were held on a campus approximately 30-40 minutes by bus away from his hotel. The bus ran twice per day, was designed to pick up all participants and attendees, and left very little wiggle room for his day. Meetings, talks, and gatherings were held from 7:30 AM until 5:00 PM. In essence, he was held captive by the very design of the conference. Unfortunately, this conference is a very integral part of his daily work so missing it was not really an option. He was brimming with excitement the evening I picked him up from the airport upon his return to California—probably more from escaping the prison that is Wisconsin than from seeing me.

Though he laments about the nuisances, he actually had a good time learning. He was in his element amongst the IT geeks. He was very adorable himself in his button up shirts, glasses, and backpack. I remember him excitedly telling me about all the great things he was learning and all the great minds he was meeting. At the conference’s end, he even brought home some healthcare swag: a tote bag and a water bottle.

Trips to conferences are logistically more difficult to organize but they tend to be more fun as we get to travel out of state typically. The last conference we shared together was in Vegas for Peter. As fun as the Fresno and NorCal trips can be, we are hoping to squeeze in more diversity to our work trips. For this most recent trip, however, I was happy to stay back in California. I’ve been to Madison, WI before during medical school for clinical rotations, and was not particularly intrigued by the city. We’ll see where the next educational adventure takes us!