Soul Food

OUR SOCIAL MEDIA ADDICTION

In a world where social connections are made increasingly convenient, Peter and I do not have particularly large social circles.  In addition to being a pair of introverts, our busy careers did not leave much time to build large networks of friends.  One thing was quickly apparent when we first started dating: that we each held a tight circle of friends and family close to us. 

We were both very intentional with how we spent our time, energy, and money when it came to socializing–the vehicle for building and sustaining relationships.  As we are also very particular, one of the biggest challenges in our relationship was devising a system wherein all social obligations important to us could be met.

In the early stages of dating, we saw each other very spontaneously, squeezing our schedules where we could.  Needless to say, this introduced a lot of chaos into our lives.  With how busy we were, we figured it would be easiest to share a Google calendar.  This would allow us to view each other’s availability and seamlessly fit plans in with each other. 

We were now seeing each other nearly every weekend, in addition to frequent weeknight meet-ups.  This came at the cost of spending time with our individual friends and family.  Thus, we slowly and intentionally carved out time for social obligations as our lives integrated.

Though scheduling was an easy fix, we encountered other problems.  How were we going to build up tanks of energy large enough to endure all the social engagement?  Both of us liked to spend at least one weekend day winding down, catching up on side projects, and maintaining our homes.  We both also preferred to come straight home after work to decompress. 

As our lives melded, we found ourselves constantly running low on social battery, whether due to the frequency or level of involvement in hanging out.  Our job roles also have us heavily engaged with people throughout the week, and nothing felt better than to unwind come the week’s end.

Financially, we were quite liberal in spending in the early stages of dating–dinners and outings were given no additional thought.  Of course, these more expensive dates brought with them memories we both cherish–but we both knew in the back of our minds what it was costing our future selves financially. 

As a newly minted attending physician, I deluded myself into thinking that this was yet another aspect I could afford to spend mindlessly.  Dating can be expensive on its own, but as social gatherings and outings ramped up, these interactions become increasingly unaffordable.  It was easy to let the financial snowball roll out of control, and we were set on curbing this.

Our grand solution began with aggressive planning: mass texts out to friends one month in advance.  We were playing tetris now, with our hangouts as oblong blocks and each piece mindfully placed.  Weekdays were allotted to friends who had flexibility during the afternoon as our own WFH schedules allowed.  Additionally, friends who live distances too far to routinely visit would get a weeknight phone call while Peter and I got in our 10k daily steps around the neighborhood. 

Weekends were trickier with me now picking up Saturday shifts half the month.  We preferentially designated Saturdays as our social days so that we could catch up on our personal lives on Sunday.

On Saturdays when I work, I would be off by 4:00 PM.  We found that the most effective way of seeing friends and family was to host dinner, pot lucks, and board game nights.  This allowed for an environment that was not constrained by noise or time, such as going out to a restaurant for dinner, a default when socializing. 

This also reduced decision fatigue when trying to accommodate everybody’s dietary preferences, especially in a pot luck setting when people could bring their own enjoyable food.  This minimized the financial costs associated with eating out as well.  We put in the energy to clean and host, and our friends and family have been happy to come over to spend time with us, a fair compromise for all parties involved.

When I am not working on a Saturday, Peter and I knew we wanted to make the most of SoCal.  This meant exploring gardens, museums, beaches, trails, and hikes.  We started the habit of inviting friend groups to these experiences.  To no surprise, we found it so much more enriching to have friends join us on our adventures.  We could invite groups of mutual friends at a time, and casually catch up with individuals as we strolled around. 

In many instances, this simultaneously helped us meet our daily 10k steps.  We allowed ourselves the luxury of eating out, having bougie coffees, and truly enjoying these Saturdays–as long as we could be home by late afternoon to decompress.  The spontaneity that often came with these Saturdays helped to balance the lengths we go through in planning.

Socialization on Saturday has been so important for both of us.  It helps us detach from a busy work week, and gets us in a good mood to enact all our Sunday rituals: maintenance and upkeep of our homes, careers, finances, and individual endeavors.

Through some trial and error, Peter and I have found ways to consistently connect with our friends and family.  We find that it is not a matter of convenience; rather, it was a matter of intention for us. 

Many of the steps we took in optimizing the balance of our relationships and resources came without us knowing in the moment; we were hotfixing as we went, and used our internal values as a compass.  I value balance, Peter values efficiency, and together we both value deep, meaningful connections.  As we continue to optimize other dimensions of our relationship, it’s been an amazing journey to see our social lives flourish. 

It’s often said that if two parties want to see each other, it will happen.  Peter and I find ourselves often taking the initiative, but we do this to our benefit.  Though we may find ourselves strapped for resources, we understand that our friends and family are also adults with families, careers, and other obligations.  Taking the reins in planning allowed us to have some structure, while simultaneously removing barriers for our friends.  Like in all other areas of our lives, we like to make things happen.

XOXO,

Howard and Peter