Full Steam

As of late, time has felt scarcer than ever. Somehow, side quests have usurped whatever remained of our free time. There are so many exciting events on the horizon for us. Naturally, this has also translated into tremendous pressure for the last few months, and very likely for the foreseeable months. Last year, we scaled back on various other activities such as rock climbing. This year, we’ve continually pared back on even more.

One of the hobbies that I’ve missed dearly is reading. Back when we were still living in Orange County, my lengthy commutes brought an opportunity to really delve into audiobooks. My intellectual curiosity would be sated by a variety of nonfiction texts. We moved to SGV partially to reduce the commute time—instead of recuperating this time for leisure reading at home, it’s now been allocated elsewhere. This seems to be the cost of figuring out the next steps of our lives.

Even amidst the busyness of our lives, I’ve recently started listening to a new book, The Midnight Train by Matt Haig. This novel explores the different nodes of our lives at which we make critical decisions that forever define the trajectory of our lives. It follows a man and his posthumous review of the pivotal crossroads in his life. The story is a reminder of how impactful our decisions can be. Rather than exploring alternate timelines, the book focuses on themes of regret and acceptance of the decisions we make throughout our lives.

The teachings of the his story bring forth familiar emotions from our own lives—the themes of which form an invisible current that has shaped much of our present day. How different are our lives now based on some of the choices we’ve made recently? Have our lives unfolded along the trajectory we had foreseen? We’re not sure whether our lives have changed for better or for worse. Is it possible that the intertwining of our lives has turned out more unexpectedly different than we ever imagined? Especially when compared to the nascent days of our relationship, our lives now are unrecognizable.

One of the central tenets explored in the novel involves the idea of a “truest self”—a time in our lives where we are closest to our ideals, values, and sense of purpose. It’s a time where we may experience unbridled joy, satisfaction, and authenticity. It reminds me of concepts explored by psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott regarding “true” and “false” selves. Regardless, this aspect of the book has me wondering about the path Peter and I have found ourselves traveling.

I’d be lying to say that days have been a smooth ride. At this stage in my life, I expected a transition into a softer era. The amount of toil currently was not part of my grand plan. It feels that I’ve unfairly entered a second residency some days. Of course, the hardship and sacrifice is not without hopeful extrication at journey’s end. Peter’s experience of this process has been vastly different, finding the challenges to be yet another puzzle life has thrown at him. As our therapist puts it, he embodies a true and relentless entrepreneurial spirit.

Diametrically juxtaposed to his endless vigor is my own limited capacity. There have been days where energy is sparse and motivation even sparser. A question that has naturally come up for us is what would it mean to the relationship if I lost steam? Luckily for me, Peter truly understands the unusual rigor of our current lives. With some remorse and sympathy, but never regret, he has often expressed his gratitude for our partnership in this period of our lives. It is through this filter that resolve finds me again: a rekindled determination to grind through this phase.

In the process of reprioritizing, we will be scaling back on some projects, including this blog. Rather than weekly releases, we will be shifting toward monthly releases. Much of this decision is to redirect energy into topics we find most relevant to our lives: a move toward reviving them with a fun and eagerness for writing as we once had. Somewhere along the way, it seems as though we fell into the habit of mindless rabbling. Just as we have a monthly review of our relationship (RADAR), we look forward to having a monthly recap of our lives.