Family Roots

In the fall of 2024, my last surviving grandparent passed at the age of 101. He lived a long, fruitful life and was always surrounded by family in his senescence. Just several weeks ago, Peter lost his final grandparent as well. She, too, lived a long and bountiful life surrounded by loved ones as she aged well into her 90s. Reflecting on our respective losses also put us face to face with the weight of the passage of time.

One particular scene from my grandfather’s funeral remains ensconced in my memory: when my mom and her siblings knelt to offer their prayers before his casket. Their knees, as is customary, met the hard ceramic floors of the funeral home as they lowered their heads in reverence. Time slowed down as I watched, unable to avert my gaze. Slowly, the solemn Buddhist chanting softly lulled into the background. It was then that the stark realization hit: the mantle of generation was passing on.

A tempestuous flurry had overcome me in that moment. Was it the hunched backs and heads full of gray that sent me into this emotional state? Perhaps it was watching their slow descent and even slower ascent from kneeling, defying the physicality of their aged joints. Maybe it was the somber conclusion of the prayer when they all returned to their seats with tear-streaked faces.

The weekend of my grandfather’s funeral, as I laid in bed with Peter, I remember muttering to him “It’s our turn to be the adults.” We are next to provide for our families—not just for any offspring we may have, but also for our parents. Filial duty has always been a value core to many Asian households and tradition. It was no different for me or for Peter. At his late grandmother’s funeral, Peter unsurprisingly had the same emotional awakening.

This role reversal—adopting the parentified role—seems so natural, as if part of the seasons of life. I am fortunate to have a partner who shares in a similar vision when it comes to our aging parents. We desire to provide our parents the same level of support that was provided to us in our youth. They were our pillars for embarking on this journey of life; it is our obligation and honor to be the scaffold to their golden years.

Though my parents are not struggling financially, they have poured so much into my edification, a debt that is not so easily repaid. To see that they are comfortable would be only a dent to the sacrifice they’ve made. Peter, on the other hand, repays his parents with the gift of time. By helping them manage their day to day tasks more effectively, his parents are able to travel the world more freely.

As our parents inevitably decline, whether in physical or cognitive health, we want to find ways to care for them without inadvertently infantilizing them. We want to promote and maintain their independence for as long as possible, both out of respect for them but as a means of finding balance within our own lives. We wish to raise a family of our own in the future, which would be made far more difficult with an ongoing enmeshment with our parents. That is, we can be integral parts of each others’ lives while having the capacity to be apart.

If there was a modicum of selfishness in upkeeping my parental relationships, it would be so that my future children can experience the joys of having grandparents. We also know with certainty that our parents would absolutely adore (more) grandchildren. This is a large reason on why Peter and I would want to remain geographically near to our parents (plus available childcare)! We daydream regularly about shared holidays, celebrations, and milestones for not only our parents but for our potential children.

We are not sure what the future holds or how our relationships may evolve with regard to our parents. However, we remain open to many possible configurations with an emphasis on staying nearby to them. For the time being, we remain grateful for the opportunity to live in Southern California where both sets of parents currently reside. We are grateful for their health and for the opportunities to see them on a weekly basis.

Peter and I set out to gather as many experiences with them as time would allow. Just this past weekend we were able to take my parents to Joshua Tree, an amazing experience that they had been anticipating. Though it was a small road trip and weekend getaway, it was an empowering reminder of the role reversal. Peter planned the itinerary while I did the driving, so my parents could just relax and enjoy the experience.

In February 2026, we will all be going on a trip to Japan together—plus siblings this time! Unfortunately, we have not yet been able to plan anything with Peter’s parents, but it is on our agenda to do so. Staying proactive in all these important relationships requires so much effort. That seems like stating the obvious, but we are cautious not to become complacent for fear of taking them for granted.