Exceeding Expectations

OUR ADDICTION TO AVERAGE

The nuances and difficulty in modern dating and finding a long-term partner seems to be a particularly hot topic these days. Peter and I have certainly encountered our fair share of incompatible dates—even to the point that I resigned myself to the possibility of leading a single life. Growing truly comfortable with that idea took a long time and with it, significant introspection as well.

On the surface, it was an evaluation of my needs and wants which, upon further excavation, brought to question issues of individuation and sense of fulfillment. And finally, it also took acceptance of how things are (i.e. that modern society, its inhabitants, and culture are mostly immutable) and my individual responsibility in the dating world.

Peter and I recently talked about modern dating expectations as a segue from our friends and acquaintances lamenting about being single. Thankfully, our friends are seemingly well-adjusted in their lives, even if not entirely happy with being single. We were more curious about the unrealistically high bar amongst singles looking to date.

Take, for example, the 666 rule currently trending with heterosexual women which implies 6 feet tall in height, 6 figures in income, and 6 pack in physique. This is obviously a minority of men and screens out multitudes of options even before judgment of character. Are we just ballooning in terms of what we can or should expect from our partners? Do people really get delivered to us as these perfect packages?

Before we met, Peter and I each had our list of expectations of our potential partners when dating. While there are many qualities which make for a good partner, we both underscore the importance of accepting that we are fundamentally very different people. I think it is this acceptance that paves way for the ultimate expectation: that people are imperfect, and consequently, the best partners are those who are willing to commit and grow alongside you.

Peter’s list was actually much shorter and simpler than mine. On the surface, it included no shirtless photos on dating apps, no raves or clubs, no drugs, stable employment, basic financial literacy, and enjoys physical activity. On a deeper level, the list included qualities of emotional maturity: stable sense of self, capacity for difficult conversations, open mindedness, and ability to solve problems.

He values someone who is driven and curious, important vestibules for driving forward the many facets of our lives—including health, relationships, and mentality. When it comes to physicality, Peter has a preference for men taller than him—which is not much of an ask for someone who is 5’4”. He otherwise eloquently tells me, “we’re all going to grow old and ugly anyway.”

My own list was not much different. It carried many of the same elements, though perhaps a little less strict. I was more forgiving on certain things like the occasional rave and clubbing because God forbid people have hobbies. I appreciate it much less when it becomes an integral part of their persona. Similarly, I wanted to meet someone with a stable career, or is at the very least on their way toward such. The emotional maturity for me was a no-brainer.

I found a large variety of guys physically attractive, though I’ve historically dated people very similar to myself, many of whom I think would be judged as “mid” Asians by societal standards. Where I differed most was perhaps a more exhaustive list of personality qualities I sought out: disciplined, generous, and expressive to name a few.

Needless to say, we do not fulfill each other’s criteria to a tee. In fact, even on our best days, we only amount to most but never all of the qualities we once sought out in dating. For example, I am not the most financially literate person, and Peter is not the most expressive when it comes to his emotions or affection. These are areas in which we are actively working to improve.

We don’t feel like we have settled or lowered our standards by any means, because an overwhelming amount of the core (and arguably more important) qualities are present. Where Peter is not expressive, he is well-meaning; where I am not financially literate, I am eager to learn.

Before meeting me, Peter almost exclusively dated older guys with the presumption that they were more “matured” or prepared for the tribulations of a committed relationship. He’s learned that maturity is not tied solely to age, but rather a series of life circumstances and personal value systems. I’ve always believed that by our 30s, we should have a solidified sense of self with a functional life compass guiding our morals, values, and principles.

Though much of this opinion stems from personal experience, it is reinforced by my work as a psychiatrist. As a geriatric psychiatrist, I often see people stunted in their “golden years” and facing despair instead of reveling in retirement. I turn to the work of the late psychologist Erik Erikson and his brilliant description of the stages of development to better understand this.

He describes 8 fundamental stages in development, each with opposing, overarching challenges. Only by overcoming and finding balance in these polarizing forces can one attain the “virtue” ascribed to that stage and thusly move onto the next. It is important to note that failure to master a stage will prohibit the individual from successfully moving onto the next. Stages 5, 6, and 7 I find particularly pertinent in my current situation, with each representing the previous, present, and next steps of my life respectively.

Stage 5 describes adolescence or ages 12-18, with opposing forces of identity versus role confusion. Here, the individual is navigating the world and readily constructing their values, morals, and beliefs. Through this process, the individual learns that differences, as well as similarities exist between people. Much of this development is couched in subtle contexts like cultivating hobbies and interests, considering career paths, and the ever prescient social identity as one navigates middle and high school.

It is an important step in individuation because it is here that one can be engulfed by the belief systems of their parents or peers. The confluence of these external forces is inevitable to the development of personality, but it is dependent upon the individual to find alignment internally. To be beholden by a structure or system imposed by others would lead to role confusion: what role does one play in society? It begs the question of who one is and who one is meant to be. How does one function meaningfully in the absence of an identity?

But with mastery over these opposites, the individual attains the virtue of fidelity—that is, the ability to commit to others despite apparent differences. This is important beyond just romance, but also for platonic relationships and friendships.

The next stage, and the one in which I find myself currently, describes the push and pull of intimacy versus isolation. Mastery of these forces allows the individual to receive love. This is the first stage of adult development, approximated to be ages 18-40. Erikson describes this as the first stage where we stop thinking about ourselves but start thinking about others.

We are social creatures, and it is in this stage that we develop a sense of the role we play in relationships. Dating, friendships, family—these interpersonal bonds deepen and take root during this stage. It is easy to see then how failure in acquiring the virtue of fidelity from stage 5 may lead to stunted relationships and the inability to connect meaningfully. I think this is especially apparent in attitudes toward those who do not fit our idealizations. Sadly, I believe it is often the underdevelopment in stage 5 that produces the proclivity toward unrealistic expectations in dating.

It may be, after all, the projection of an underdeveloped sense of identity onto one’s external world. In a society where people are supposedly more self-aware than ever, there still seems to be a disproportionate prioritization of superficial qualities. How, then, are people supposed to attain love when they are so ill-equipped to master intimacy and isolation?

I am eager in seeing how the next few years unfold for myself as I (hopefully) prepare to enter stage 7, the battle between generativity and stagnation. Here, between the ages of 40-65, one starts thinking about their contributions to society. This may occur in several ways, whether derived through a meaningful career, raising children, or developing their community.

In essence, it is a stage in which we start thinking about the future generation and the greater vision we have for society in terms of our contribution. It is characterized by an attitude of nurturing. Failure in this stage shows up as stagnation, or the feeling of “stuckness.” This is often the midlife crisis portrayed in media—existence may feel purposeless to many.

Mastery in this stage gives rise to the virtue of care, the adoration and tenderness with which we hope to pass the world on to future generations. With Peter, the roadway to this next chapter is one of clarity. Perhaps part of the recipe for a great relationship is being with someone who aids in growth rather than abetting stagnation.

We cannot say with certainty how our lives will unfold, or if we will even make it securely to stage 7 of development. However, we acknowledge that we are ever-growing, which is maybe the most important characteristic we find in each other. We are happy to be in a stage where we can view the world from a broader lens, and where we can overlook or overcome small differences.

Of course, we still have disagreements as we navigate the relationship—after all, we each have our individual compasses. But we do recognize the magic is in the way in which we disagree and how we reconcile. I am happy to have met someone who very successfully found a sense of identity, is sure in his role, and is ready for adulthood. Hopefully, we can continue to grow into a generative life together.

XOXO,

Howard and Peter